When I think back on my life, I try to remember the moment when I 'lost my faith' or according to the modern translation, when I 'turned my back on God.' I've never given a lot of thought as to when this might have happened and I'm not sure that I can even cite a specific moment rather than recall a feeling or identify a general change in thinking that prompted this so-called act of betrayal. The human experience is a fickle and funny thing and my name might as well be Judas. I have, however, always been concerned about the consequences in spite of my disbelief in the carefully constructed post-mortem realm of both heaven and hell. It's all a heap of dirt. A religion's morality can still be imposed on a person by someone who is in a position of authority, which is why it is advantageous to belong to the majority. There is strength in numbers and this is a rule that most religions have found very useful.
I guess it's hard for a person to actually pinpoint a specific moment in his life when something as abstract as faith is lost because unlike the act of being saved which is commenced by baptism and communion with the ethereal, there is no mention of a ceremonial act which dissolves the relationship between the mortal and the omnipotent, there can only be suffering. Actions have consequences but thoughts can be eternally damning. There is a void in myself where faith used to reside and not knowing what to put in its place, it is the familiar evil of guilt which has guided, or more accurately, misguided the decisions that I've made. I like to imagine that being independent-minded and having the ability to think critically is superior to a life that is preordained by the place and time in which you live, but if you lack conviction in a belief then you are no less susceptible to condemnation by a higher authority. Faith is a Catch-22.
How does someone achieve salvation? That is no longer my concern, unless it is salvation from some type of oppression. And what of damnation? I reject the idea that my soul will be tormented, except that everyday there are people who suffer from evils of poverty and hunger. What proof is there in reason and logic? Our understanding of what is possible is imperfect. Faith is necessary because we are imperfect, I will not summarily dismiss the concept of faith because I dismiss a religion. Maybe I never lost my faith after all and maybe I did, but I am learning how to apply it as a universal theme to my evolving worldview. And perhaps the aforementioned void will begin to regain substance. Life is a cycle, we are lucky to have experienced at all.
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