January 4th, 2013

When I think back on my life, I try to remember the moment when I 'lost my faith' or according to the modern translation, when I 'turned my back on God.' I've never given a lot of thought as to when this might have happened and I'm not sure that I can even cite a specific moment rather than recall a feeling or identify a general change in thinking that prompted this so-called act of betrayal. The human experience is a fickle and funny thing and my name might as well be Judas. I have, however, always been concerned about the consequences in spite of my disbelief in the carefully constructed post-mortem realm of both heaven and hell. It's all a heap of dirt. A religion's morality can still be imposed on a person by someone who is in a position of authority, which is why it is advantageous to belong to the majority. There is strength in numbers and this is a rule that most religions have found very useful.

I guess it's hard for a person to actually pinpoint a specific moment in his life when something as abstract as faith is lost because unlike the act of being saved which is commenced by baptism and communion with the ethereal, there is no mention of a ceremonial act which dissolves the relationship between the mortal and the omnipotent, there can only be suffering. Actions have consequences but thoughts can be eternally damning. There is a void in myself where faith used to reside and not knowing what to put in its place, it is the familiar evil of guilt which has guided, or more accurately, misguided the decisions that I've made. I like to imagine that being independent-minded and having the ability to think critically is superior to a life that is preordained by the place and time in which you live, but if you lack conviction in a belief then you are no less susceptible to condemnation by a higher authority. Faith is a Catch-22.

How does someone achieve salvation? That is no longer my concern, unless it is salvation from some type of oppression. And what of damnation? I reject the idea that my soul will be tormented, except that everyday there are people who suffer from evils of poverty and hunger. What proof is there in reason and logic? Our understanding of what is possible is imperfect. Faith is necessary because we are imperfect, I will not summarily dismiss the concept of faith because I dismiss a religion. Maybe I never lost my faith after all and maybe I did, but I am learning how to apply it as a universal theme to my evolving worldview. And perhaps the aforementioned void will begin to regain substance. Life is a cycle, we are lucky to have experienced at all.

December 30th, 2012

Hi Everyone, I have decided to start a new blog to help myself and everyone else keep track of what has been happening with my life since I embarked on my journey to Chicago!

I will admit that the posts might seem a bit random at first until I get a groove going, but for now it will just be random goings-on that I feel are noteworthy to myself and everyone I know. One thing I've noticed about Chicago is that change is hard to come by. I was just going through my 'Two Kingdoms' blog which I started while I was living in Taiwan and after reading through it, I realized that Taipei felt like a more dynamic place than Chicago is, to me anyways. That could be due to the fact that it is a different country with a different language and culture, and also that I was a student while I lived there. Or, it could be the cold stagnant winters in Chicago that diminish the memories of the sanguine summer days. Either way, it seems like in the Windy City the more things change the more they stay the same.

I started to write a short story and planned to have it finished before 2013 began, but it has turned into a more ambitious project than I intended. Which is okay considering the subject matter and I'm not trying to write an amazing novel that will become a classic, I'm just writing because I like to and I feel like it would be a good way for me to organize my thoughts. I have come up with an interesting take on the Russian concept of a 'double' wherein the story pursues a protagonist who is based on myself as an agnostic, but instead of meeting a 'double' the antagonist is a character that is based on my younger, more religious self. The conflict will naturally resolve around the moral dilemmas that I have dealt with and the conclusion is unresolved as I am still attempting to define my own worldview. I am looking forward to working on this project, but I think I need to get an outline before I get any farther into it.

Well that's all for now folks, goodnight and Happy New Year!